The Onion Daily News

Syndicate content The Onion
America's Finest News Source
Updated: 32 weeks 6 days ago

Magazine: Whoa, What Did That Guy Order?

17. June 2011 - 21:30


Categories: Politics

U.S. General Jealous That Syrian Army Allowed To Attack Citizens

17. June 2011 - 20:30
WASHINGTON—U.S. Army Gen. James David Thurman admitted Friday that he felt extremely jealous of the Syrian military’s ability to relentlessly attack its own citizens.


Categories: Politics

Sportsgraphic: How Powerhouse Teams Came Up Short

17. June 2011 - 19:00
The factors in the collapse of the Heat's supposedly unstoppable Big Three will be analyzed for a long time, and as we've seen in the past, juggernauts disappoint for many reasons. 1980 Soviet national hockey team: Goal-rationing 1990 Mi...


Categories: Politics

America Just Now Remembering How Much They Hate Dallas

17. June 2011 - 18:30
WASHINGTON—After feelings of elation over the Miami Heat losing the NBA Finals started to fade this week, Americans across the country suddenly began to remember how much they actually hate the city of Dallas, the Mavericks, and their “total f...


Categories: Politics

American Voices: 'Duke Nukem Forever' Finally Released

17. June 2011 - 17:00
After more than 13 years in development, the latest installment in the Duke Nukem series of first-person shooter video games was released Tuesday.


Categories: Politics

Report: Typical City Bus Contains No Fewer Than Four Erections At Any Given Time

17. June 2011 - 15:00
WASHINGTON—A report from the U.S. Department of Transportation confirmed Thursday that at any one time, the average American city bus is occupied by at least four fully erect penises.


Categories: Politics

[audio] Casino Has Great Night

17. June 2011 - 13:00


Categories: Politics

Slideshow: Political Scandals

16. June 2011 - 21:15


Categories: Politics

American Voices: American Students Not Proficient In History

16. June 2011 - 19:15
The 2010 National Assessment of Educational Progress concluded that less than a quarter of students were proficient in U.S.


Categories: Politics

Infographic: 'America's Most Wanted' Canceled

16. June 2011 - 18:00
After 23 years on the air, America's Most Wanted—the Fox show that dramatizes real crimes in order to assist in the capture of suspects—will no longer air as a weekly program.


Categories: Politics

Obama's Aunt Sends Him Article Mentioning United States

16. June 2011 - 15:00
KALONA, IA—According to family sources, Barack Obama's aunt Claudia, 79, mailed a letter to the president Monday that included a short note and a carefully clipped-out article from the Highland Review newspaper mentioning the United States.


Categories: Politics

Thousands Turn Out For Empire State Building's Annual No-Hassle Suicide Day

16. June 2011 - 14:00
NEW YORK—Thousands jumped off the Empire State Building Thursday as part of the famed skyscraper's 12th annual No-Hassle Suicide Day, during which anyone can take the iconic 86-story plunge without having to worry about being stopped, fined, or serv...


Categories: Politics

Derek Jeter Just 6 Squib Grounders, Shallow Bloops Away From 3,000 Hits

15. June 2011 - 21:00
NEW YORK—Yankees captain Derek Jeter hit a seeing-eye wormburner through the left side of the infield for his 2,994th career hit Monday, leaving him just six toppers down the third-base line, Texas Leaguers, or check-swing humpback liners short of 3...


Categories: Politics

Letters To The Editor: My Brother Cliffy

15. June 2011 - 20:00
Dear The Onion, My brother Cliffy owns a driving school. Sometimes he even teaches cops how to drive fast. No shit. Perry Daives, Saginaw, MI


Categories: Politics

Detective Trying To Get Into Mind Of Litterer

15. June 2011 - 17:00
LAKEWOOD, NJ—Tired of being led in circles by a shrewd and elusive local litterer, detective Alex Lavin attempted to penetrate the thought process of his arch-nemesis on Wednesday “to find out what makes him tick,” sources reported.


Categories: Politics

American Voices: Disney Raises Theme Park Admission

15. June 2011 - 16:00
The Walt Disney Company announced the cost of a one-day pass to Disneyland had risen from $76 to $80, the second price increase in a year.


Categories: Politics

Baserunner Caught In Rundown Bites Cyanide Capsule To Avoid Falling Into Enemy Hands

15. June 2011 - 15:30
SEATTLE—In order to avoid capture by the visiting Minnesota Twins Thursday, Mariners center fielder Franklin Gutierrez bit down on his team-issued cyanide capsule during a run down between second and third base.


Categories: Politics

[video] 'Green Lantern' To Fulfill America's Wish To See Lantern-Based Characters On Big Screen

15. June 2011 - 14:00
Star Fix reports on the new "Green Lantern" movie based on the comic-book hero everyone definitely knew about before the film was made.


Categories: Politics