WASHINGTON—U.S. Army Gen. James David Thurman admitted Friday that he felt extremely jealous of the Syrian military’s ability to relentlessly attack its own citizens.

The factors in the collapse of the Heat's supposedly unstoppable Big Three will be analyzed for a long time, and as we've seen in the past, juggernauts disappoint for many reasons. 1980 Soviet national hockey team: Goal-rationing 1990 Mi...

WASHINGTON—After feelings of elation over the Miami Heat losing the NBA Finals started to fade this week, Americans across the country suddenly began to remember how much they actually hate the city of Dallas, the Mavericks, and their “total f...

After more than 13 years in development, the latest installment in the Duke Nukem series of first-person shooter video games was released Tuesday.

WASHINGTON—A report from the U.S. Department of Transportation confirmed Thursday that at any one time, the average American city bus is occupied by at least four fully erect penises.

The 2010 National Assessment of Educational Progress concluded that less than a quarter of students were proficient in U.S.

After 23 years on the air, America's Most Wanted—the Fox show that dramatizes real crimes in order to assist in the capture of suspects—will no longer air as a weekly program.

KALONA, IA—According to family sources, Barack Obama's aunt Claudia, 79, mailed a letter to the president Monday that included a short note and a carefully clipped-out article from the Highland Review newspaper mentioning the United States.

NEW YORK—Thousands jumped off the Empire State Building Thursday as part of the famed skyscraper's 12th annual No-Hassle Suicide Day, during which anyone can take the iconic 86-story plunge without having to worry about being stopped, fined, or serv...

NEW YORK—Yankees captain Derek Jeter hit a seeing-eye wormburner through the left side of the infield for his 2,994th career hit Monday, leaving him just six toppers down the third-base line, Texas Leaguers, or check-swing humpback liners short of 3...

Dear The Onion, My brother Cliffy owns a driving school. Sometimes he even teaches cops how to drive fast. No shit. Perry Daives, Saginaw, MI

LAKEWOOD, NJ—Tired of being led in circles by a shrewd and elusive local litterer, detective Alex Lavin attempted to penetrate the thought process of his arch-nemesis on Wednesday “to find out what makes him tick,” sources reported.

The Walt Disney Company announced the cost of a one-day pass to Disneyland had risen from $76 to $80, the second price increase in a year.

SEATTLE—In order to avoid capture by the visiting Minnesota Twins Thursday, Mariners center fielder Franklin Gutierrez bit down on his team-issued cyanide capsule during a run down between second and third base.

Star Fix reports on the new "Green Lantern" movie based on the comic-book hero everyone definitely knew about before the film was made.